When Children Fight

Dealing with fighting children is a huge challenge. Here are 5 basic guidelines that are easy to memorize and remember in the moment of frustration.

1. You Are in Control

Don't get caught in the emotion when solving a fight between kids. Remember that you are in control. There are many tactics for keeping yourself calm in tense situations. Count to ten (if there is time), take a deep breath, think of a happy time or something good the children have done, etc. The point is to find something that works for you.

Once you are clam, separate the fighting children physically, like a boxing referee. Calmly stop the verbal accusations. In order to stop the evil eyes, face pulling, and gestures, you will need to divert their attention to something besides each other, such as having them focus on a family picture or listen for a cricket.

2. Disarm and Set the Tone

Look each one in the eyes and sincerely say, "I love you." This reminds them and you that you really do love them and want to help them overcome the situation and you aren't just a mad authority figure dolling out a punishment. You can even give each one a hug or elaborate on wanting to have a happy family.

Usually they will still be mad and reluctant to let go of their anger. That's fine. They have adrenaline in their veins and it must be used. Jumping jacks, push ups, and hitting a punching bag are all good ways to use up the adrenaline.

3. Start With Feelings

Instead of asking what happened, first ask how they feel. Once they have expressed how they feel, ask them why they feel that way. At first it will be difficult to keep both from talking at once and from accusing each other. Reassure them that each will have a turn to talk.

4. See Other's Point of View

If your children are over 5 years old, help them see the situation from the other person's point of view. Remember, who is right and who is wrong is not as important as what we learn from the experience.

5. Discuss the Consequences

If one or both children are at fault, discuss the natural consequences of their actions and any punishment that may be required. At this point, even a spanking will not psychologically damage the child. They know you love them and don't want to punish them. It is mechanical rather than passionate.

Remember, your children aren't perfect and neither are you. Don't be too hard on them or yourself. Every conflict is a learning opportunity.

On the other hand, your children have unlimited potential. If you teach them how to learn from fights and conflicts as a child, they will have a skill they can use throughout their lives.

Let the Black Belt within you break free!
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